told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
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I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo