A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA