[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
You Might Also Like
The biggest mystery of our time
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
WWE is French for “yes”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.