Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
I’m aging like a fine banana
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.