(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said