My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.