Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
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The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
i think we should see other cousins
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Lmaoo 😂
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.