“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.