Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Did…did a minotaur write this
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.