A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead