Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.