Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.