I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
You Might Also Like
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I hate my earbuds.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
What my back needs
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.