Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
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my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
who wore it better?
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.