The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Children of the corn 🌽
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”