Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!