call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
🤔😂😂
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I know a bad idea when I see one.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”