Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.