Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
You Might Also Like
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
This a good idea
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.