“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
B
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.