My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.