Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
This is a sub tweet
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n