Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
You Might Also Like
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Isn’t
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
It’s an epidemic…
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that