The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol