I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.