woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Where’s my employee discount too?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery