*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.