I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it