I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*