Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
reminder
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.