ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
You Might Also Like
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.