I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”