Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
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The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣