-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.