Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
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I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Once again not all heroes wear capes
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
My new favorite headline
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.