Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
and now we wait
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers