I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house