The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“What?”
– Jude
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Seems kinda suspicious
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*