ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
thank god
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Just say no