If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.