Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Mouse
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.