[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
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FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
This is why I hate group projects
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.