[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
You Might Also Like
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.