“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
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“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.