BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
NASA has no chill
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.