“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.