I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Holy crap this is wonderful
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
taking June’s advice to heart
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*