“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
This is a true ally.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.