the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister