[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Where’s my employee discount too?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Yes, this is exactly right